How to Overcome Life's Disappointments

Rabbi Harold S. Kushner

Most of us must face the disappointment of not having all of our dreams come true. The fact that we experience failure does not make us failures -- although the way in which we respond to our failures could do exactly that. Here’s what to do when you have trouble getting past life’s disappointments...

Remember for whom you are working -- you. The promotion you had hoped for went to someone else... your family doesn’t appreciate the many things you do for them. It is natural to feel disappointment when things like this occur, but our mistake is to rely on others for validation. We should work hard because to do any less would be letting ourselves down. We should work hard for the sake of our own sense of integrity and knowing we have done our best.

Understand that those who have never been disappointed are the real failures. People who achieve everything they set out to achieve in life obviously have set their bars too low. We achieve more if we aim high -- though this also means that we will be disappointed more often, because lofty goals are difficult to reach. Understand that disappointments are inevitable when we strive for greatness, and consider your life successful if you accomplish just a fraction of your goals.

Escape the isolation of disappointment. We feel alone when we lose a loved one... suffer a life-threatening illness... or experience a major financial setback. Our loneliness then drives us further into despair. Example: My wife and I saw only happy families around us when one of our children was seriously ill. Not until after our child had died did we discover that other families we knew had gone through similar ordeals.

A tragedy does not separate us from everyone else. Sharing our grief brings us closer to the brotherhood of the afflicted, a huge club consisting of everyone who has ever endured pain or inequity. Our misfortune even makes us qualified to help other grieving people. Assisting others can get us past the sense of helplessness that often comes with major disappointments.

Keep disappointments in perspective. Try to remember what was worrying you two weeks ago. Many people cannot. Most disappointments are less consequential than we feel they are at the time. Psychiatrist George Vaillant, MD, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which followed 800 men for five decades, found that it is not the bad things that happen to us that stay with us in life -- it is the good people we meet along the way. People who handle misfortune best are the ones who focus not on what happened to them but on all the people who rallied around them when it happened.

Fashion a new dream. There’s no reason that you have to let the failure of one dream stop you from dreaming -- and trying. The experience you have gained can help you create a new, more realistic and achievable dream.Example: When Al Gore lost the presidential election, he recast his dream. He moved from politics to environmentalism, producing a highly acclaimed documentary on global warming called An Inconvenient Truth. His success and impact have been tremendous since his “failure.”

Get angry with God. Some people consider it wrong to get angry with God. I believe that if we cannot get angry with God, then we have a constrained, artificial relationship with God.

When the world disappoints you, go ahead and blame God. Vent your anger, and bemoan the inequity. Voicing unhappiness with life’s disappointments brings you closer to moving beyond them. God does not mind. He will continue to stand by you no matter how angry you become. God understands that you really are getting mad at your misfortune, not at Him.

WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DISAPPOINT US

The friends, coworkers and loved ones on whom we rely sometimes will disappoint us. Two ways to forgive them...

Don’t focus on the mistake. Before ending a relationship based on a single failure -- however great -- consider this person in full. Think about who he/she has been in the past and who he can become in the future. Example: A husband cheats on his wife. The wife might choose to end the relationship, but she also might choose to view this as a single error from a loving but flawed partner.

Consider forgiveness a favor that you do for yourself. People often believe that if they forgive those who have wronged them, the transgressors “get away with” the misdeeds. But forgiveness benefits you more than the transgressor. Offering forgiveness removes a heavy burden that you have been carrying around. It cleanses your soul and eases your pain. The sooner you forgive, the sooner you can move on from your disappointment.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Harold S. Kushner, Rabbi Laureate of Temple Israel in Natick, Massachusetts. He is author of numerous best-selling books, including When Bad Things Happen to Good People and, most recently, Overcoming Life’s Disappointments(both from Anchor).

 

What's The Point?

KABB Fox San Antonio :: Top Stories - Animal Therapy -- Mileka Lincoln

KABB Fox San Antonio :: Top Stories - Animal Therapy -- Mileka Lincoln

The Extreme Dangers of Sitting

James A. Levine, MD, PhD

Mayo Clinic

Being a couch potato has long been known to threaten a person’s health. But now researchers are discovering that it’s much more dangerous than previously thought. 

Troubling statistic: Americans spend more than half their waking hours sitting -- primarily watching TV, driving and working at a desk. 

Important new finding: When Australian researchers recently tracked 8,800 men and women (average age 53) for about six years, they found that for every hour of daily TV viewing, risk for death due to cardiovascular disease increased by 18%. For those who watched TV four or more hours daily, risk of dying from cardiovascular disease was 80% higher than for those who reported watching fewer than two hours daily. 

Most surprising: A similar Canadian study of about 17,000 adults found that even among people who are physically fit and have a normal body weight, prolonged sitting, for any reason, was associated with increased health risks, suggesting that sitting for long periods may cancel out some of the health benefits of regular exercise.

THE PROBLEM WITH SITTING

Our bodies are programmed to move. When we spend most of our waking hours sitting, our health suffers in various ways. Examples...

Sluggish central nervous system. Sitting causes your central nervous system to slow down, leading to fatigue. Three weekly sessions of low-intensity exercise, such as walking at a leisurely pace, which stimulates the central nervous system, reduced fatigue by 65% after six weeks, according to one study.

Weakened muscles. Sitting weakens your muscles (especially those that support posture and are used to walk) and stiffens joints, leading to a hunched posture and increased risk for back and joint pain.

Poor fat burning. The walls of your capillaries are lined with lipoprotein lipase, an enzyme that breaks down certain fats in the bloodstream. Sit for a few hours, and these enzymes start switching off. Sit all day, and their activity drops by 50%.

Increased heart risks. Sitting for long periods, even in people with healthy body weight, will have negative effects on blood sugar and blood fat levels, which may contribute to diabetes and heart disease.

THE "NEAT" SOLUTION

Fortunately, the dangers of prolonged sitting can be countered by engaging in simple, low-intensity movement throughout the day. 

Thirty minutes or more of cardiovascular exercise (such as brisk walking, swimming or biking) several days per week is known to help promote good overall health. However, research at the Mayo Clinic has shown that the average American’s biggest health problem is a deficit in activity when formal exercise is not being performed. 

Non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT) is the term that is used for the energy that is expended (calories burned) doing everyday activities. 

While in previous generations our work and recreational activities involved regularly standing up and moving the body’s muscles, today’s world of cars, desk jobs, TVs and computers has reduced our daily NEAT dramatically. 

The solution is to add small amounts of non-exercise-related activity into your daily routine. For example, simply standing up triples your energy expenditure compared with sitting. And since a slow (1 mile per hour) walk triggers more than half the metabolic activity of a brisk (3 mph) walk, a leisurely hour-long stroll burns more calories than an intense 30-minute power walk. 

Interesting: We burn just five calories an hour while sitting and 15 while standing.

TO COUNTERACT SITTING AT HOME

With a little forethought, it’s possible to significantly raise your activity level without stepping foot in a gym. Not surprisingly, watching TV and long hours at the computer are among the biggest traps when you’re at home. To develop your own NEAT lifestyle in your home... 

Stand up and walk around. Do this every time an advertisement comes on the TV. 

Keep a stability ball handy. Since sitting on this kind of large, inflatable ball requires you to shift slightly from side to side to keep your balance, it engages more muscles (especially those in your abdomen and back) than sitting in a regular chair does. Strong abdominal muscles help fight back pain and enhance stability and balance. Stability ball chairs are available from Gaiam (877-989-6321, www.Gaiam.com, $120)... and Isokinetics, Inc. (866-263-0674,www.IsokineticsInc.com, $65). 

Place exercise equipment near your TV. Good choices include a treadmill, stationary bike and/or elliptical trainer. If you watch TV, choose a half-hour show every day and begin using the equipment as the theme music comes on. Continue until the show ends. 

Another option: Try a "mini stepper," a small device with two footpads that lets you step in place against resistance. These machines can be tucked away when not in use. Mini steppers are widely available from such companies as Stamina Products, Inc. (800-375-7520, www.StaminaProducts.com, $40 to $170)... and NordicTrack (www.NordicTrack.com, 888-308-9616, $120). 

Put your computer on an elevated surface, such as a shelf or stand.This way, you can stand while typing or surfing the Web. 

Choose action-oriented video games. If you play video games, opt for an active game (including Wii, which allows you to mimic motions used in sports such as tennis) instead of more sedentary games. 

Engage in "active intimacy." Catch up with your spouse or other family members or friends by talking with them while you stroll around the neighborhood together.

TO COUNTERACT SITTING AT WORK

For a NEAT lifestyle at work... 

Stand up when you answer the phone. If possible, pace near your desk for the duration of the call. 

Schedule "walking meetings." This is ideal when you need to meet with just one or two people and don’t need to take a lot of notes. 

Cut back on phone calls and e-mails to coworkers. When you need to speak to a coworker, walk to his/her work space. Besides getting you out of your chair, this face-to-face communication style has been shown to improve relationships. 

Follow the 10-minute rule. Whenever you’re working at a computer, get up for 10 minutes every hour to stretch your back and legs. Use this time to perform tasks that can be done while standing, such as making phone calls. 

Take the stairs. Avoid the elevator when going to and from your office floor. 

Park your car a distance (half a mile, for example) from your office. If you take mass transit, get off the bus or subway one or two stops before your destination. 

Take a midday walk. Use half your lunch hour for a stroll. 

Use a standing desk. It allows you to stand while working. Ernest Hemingway used such a desk. They are available from such companies as Ergo Desk (800-822-3746, www.ErgoDesk.com)... and Anthro (800-325-3841,www.Anthro.com). 

Cost: About $240 to more than $2,000. 

Even better: Add a treadmill for less than $1,000 to your work space to create a "walking desk." Don’t laugh -- many people who have done this (using it for four to 12 hours daily) have found that their productivity and concentration have improved along with their health.

Bottom Line/Health interviewed James A. Levine, MD, PhD, director of the Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis (NEAT) Laboratory at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. He is coauthor of Move a Little, Lose a Lot (Crown).

 

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Can You Learn to Be Happy?

Tal  Ben-Shahar, PhD

Recent scientific studies and scholarly research have reached some startling conclusions about what makes people happy. To help understand how you can use this information, we spoke to Harvard lecturer and best-selling author Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD.
Each semester, more than 800 Harvard students register for his life-changing class on positive psychology. Students explore the question How can we help ourselves and others to become happier? The students read academic journal articles, test ideas, share personal stories and, by the end of the year, emerge with a clearer understanding of what psychology can teach us about leading happier, more fulfilling lives.Is a person just “born happy” or “born unhappy”?

There is a genetic component to happiness. Some people are born with a happier disposition than others or with personality traits that are strong predictors of happiness, such as being sociable, active, stable and calm.
However, that doesn’t mean how happy we feel is out of our control. Our genes define a range, not a set point. “Grumpy” may not be able to cultivate the same view of life that “Happy” enjoys. A natural-born whiner may not be able to transform himself/herself into a Pollyanna. But we all can become significantly happier. Most people fall far short of their happiness potential.Your research suggests that money and success matter little in terms of happiness. Yet wouldn’t most people be happier if they won $5 million or a Nobel Prize?

This is a concept that my students and our society in general struggle with. Happiness largely depends on our state of mind, not on our status or the state of our bank account. It depends on what we choose to focus on (the full or the empty part of the glass) and on our interpretation of external events. For example, do we view failure as catastrophic, or do we see it as a learning opportunity?
One of the most common barriers to happiness is the false expectation that one thing -- a promotion at work, a prize, a revelation -- will bring us eternal bliss. As soon as you achieve your goal, the “what’s next” syndrome kicks in, leaving you as unfulfilled as before.
Let me tell you a personal story. When I was 16 years old, I won the Israeli National Squash Championship. I always believed that winning the title would make me happy and alleviate the emptiness I felt so much of the time. Winning the championship was necessary for fulfillment. Fulfillment was necessary for happiness. That was the logic I operated under.
After a night of celebration, I retired to my room to savor that feeling of supreme happiness. But my feelings of emptiness returned. I sat around trying to convince myself that perhaps substituting a new goal -- winning the World Championship -- would finally lead me to happiness.
What I came to realize was that a major victory can contribute to our well-being, but at best, it forms a small part of the mosaic of a happy life. The fairy-tale notion of happiness -- that something will carry us to the happily ever after -- inevitably leads to disappointment. A happy life is rarely shaped by some extraordinary life-changing event. Rather, it is shaped incrementally, experience by experience, moment by moment.So what does make us happy?

We must first accept that this is it! All there is to life is the day-to-day, the ordinary, the details of the mosaic. We are living a happy life when we derive pleasure and meaning while spending time with our loved ones or learning something new. The more our days are filled with these experiences, the happier we become.
The other significant component of happiness is that helping oneself and helping others are inextricably intertwined. The more we help others, the happier we become... and the happier we become, the more inclined we are to help others. Our nature is such that there are few more satisfying acts than sharing with others, than feeling that we contributed to the lives of others.What else can people do to be happy?

There are several things you can start right away...Simplify. We are too busy trying to squeeze more and more activities into less and less time. Quantity influences quality, and we compromise on our happiness by trying to do too much.
Introduce rituals into your life that are motivated by deeply held values. Think about what rituals would make you happier. It could be watching two movies a month or going on a date with your spouse every Tuesday. People are resistant to the idea of introducing ritualistic behavior in their lives because they think it will detract from spontaneity. But if you don’t ritualize activities you cherish, you often don’t get to them.
Learn to appreciate and savor the wonderful things in life, rather than taking them for granted. One of the best ways to do this is by keeping a daily gratitude journal. Each night, before you go to sleep, write down at least five things that made or make you happy. These can be little or big -- from a meal you enjoyed to a meaningful conversation you had with a friend, from a project at work, to God.
What if a person is going through a really hard time in his life -- for example, he dislikes his job, but there’s nothing he can do about it right away. How can that person be happier?

We all must endure periods, sometimes extended ones, in which much of what we do affords us minimal satisfaction. During those times, it’s important to see these periods with a broader perspective and find ways to imbue them with meaning. 

In a fascinating study of hospital janitors, one group experienced their work as boring and meaningless, but the other group perceived the same work as engaging and meaningful because they crafted their work in creative ways. They interacted more with nurses and patients, and they saw their work not merely as removing the garbage and washing dirty linen but contributing to the patients’ well-being and the smooth functioning of the hospital. 

When changing your perception isn’t feasible or effective, I find that one or two happy experiences during an otherwise uninspiring period can transform our general state. These brief but transforming experiences, which I call “happiness boosters” provide us with meaning and pleasure. 

For example, I met a partner in a top consulting firm. Now in his 50s, he no longer enjoys consulting, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to leave his profession or give up the lifestyle that he and his family have grown accustomed to. He was able to reduce his workload enough to spend two evenings each week with his family. He also plays tennis twice a week and reads for three hours. He joined the board of his former high school, where he feels he can contribute in a meaningful way to the next generation. In an ideal world, he would be spending his working hours doing something he is passionate about, but he is still happier than he has been in a long time.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Tal Ben-Shahar, PhD, one of Harvard University’s most popular lecturers. For the past 10 years, he has taught personal and organizational excellence, leadership, ethics and self-esteem. His best-selling book, Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment (McGraw-Hill), has been translated into more than 20 languages.

 

How Not to Turn Into an "Old Driver"

How Not to Turn Into an "Old Driver"

Richard A. Marottoli, MD

Yale School of Medicine

As you buckle yourself into a two-ton metal machine and rocket down the road at 60 miles per hour or faster, you may ask yourself, "Am I as safe a driver as I used to be?" This can be a legitimate concern even if you’re in robust health and still a long way from being a senior. For instance, you may no longer be able to turn your head far enough to look behind you. 

Safety concerns become increasingly relevant as the years pass. 

Consider: Compared with drivers age 55 to 64, those over the age of 65 are almost twice as likely to die in a car crash... drivers age 80 and older have higher crash-fatality rates than all other age groups except teens. 

Aging affects driving ability in several vital ways...

Vision and hearing become less acute.
Cognition slows, impairing the ability to recognize and react appropriately to a hazard (such as a child dashing into the street).
The physical ability to operate a car may be impaired by stiff joints, muscle pain, nerve damage and other maladies.

Advancing age also brings increased frailty. This means that, even if driving skills remain sharp, the ability to recover from accidents decreases.
The modern world also presents hazards that older drivers may not be accustomed to. More than ever, drivers around you are likely to be distracted by cell-phone calls, text messages and GPS devices. These distractions greatly increase the risk for accidents.

NEW RULES OF THE ROAD

Avoid dangerous situations...

Use routes that minimize left turns -- they are more dangerous than right turns. When waiting to turn left, keep your wheels straight so you won’t be pushed into oncoming traffic if hit from behind.
On the highway, stay in the right lane whenever possible. There’s less risk of being tailgated, and you probably won’t need to change lanes to exit.
Minimize travel on congested or poorly lit roads.
Do not drive in rain or snow or when you feel tired or stressed. Stay home or call a taxi.

See and be seen...

To determine if you’re tailgating, pick a spot that the car in front of you passes, then count the seconds until you reach that spot. If it’s less than three seconds -- or six seconds in rain or fog -- back off.
Use your window defroster on high heat to clear window fog quickly... then switch to cool air (not cold) to keep fog from coming back. This works in all weather.
Keep your windows clean inside and outside.
Be on the watch for distracted drivers. Stay focused yourself, too -- don’t talk on the phone or eat or fiddle with the CD player or have emotional conversations with your passengers.
Keep headlights on, even during the day -- it makes you more visible to others. Clean headlights often.
If you have poor night vision, drive only in daylight.

Master new car technology...

Put your seat as far back as you comfortably can to avoid being injured by the air bag if it deploys.
Tilt the steering wheel so that the air bag points toward your chest, not your head. If your steering wheel telescopes, move it closer to the dashboard to lessen air bag impact.
If you skid, do not "pump" anti-lock brakes -- just brake steadily.

HEALTH CHECKS

Work with a health-care team...

Ask your doctor if any of the medications you take can cause drowsiness or light-headedness. If you start a new drug, avoid driving for a few days until you see how it affects you.
Have your vision checked every year or two.
Get a hearing test every three years. If you have hearing loss, watch dashboard indicators because you may not notice strange engine noises.

Also: Be vigilant about watching for emergency vehicles.

SHOULD YOU TAKE A CLASS?

The more of the following factors that apply to you, the more advisable it is to take a refresher course in driving. 

Take it as a clue if you...

Often are honked at by other drivers.
Sometimes have trouble staying in your lane.
Occasionally think that vehicles or pedestrians have appeared out of nowhere.
Caused a recent accident.

Many insurance companies offer discounts to drivers who pass a refresher course. Contact your insurance agent for more information. 

Some classes can be completed in one or two days... some you do at your own pace. Bonus: Classes review your state’s laws, which may have changed -- for example, many older drivers are unaware of certain states’ requirements to signal at least 100 feet before turning. 

Refresher courses are given online and in classroom settings. A course that includes several hours of behind-the-wheel training is most beneficial, though this can add significantly to the cost. For schedules and pricing, contact AARP (888-227-7669, www.aarp.org/drive) or your local AAA club (www.aaa.com).

PUTTING DOWN THE KEYS

It’s time to consider leaving the driving to others if you have taken a refresher course and yet still experience any of the following...

Often feel lost or confused on familiar roads.
Occasionally hit the gas when you mean to hit the brake.
Hear that other people worry about your driving or are scared to ride with you.
Have been advised by your doctor to stop driving.

If you stop driving...

Find out about public transportation options, including discounted fares for seniors.
For referrals to civic groups that provide rides, contact your local council on aging (800-677-1116, www.ElderCare.gov).
Ask nearby friends for rides (and offer to pay for gas). Many people are happy to help out.

Bottom Line/Women’s Health interviewed Richard A. Marottoli, MD, associate professor of medicine at Yale School of Medicine and medical director of the Dorothy Adler Geriatric Assessment Center at Yale-New Haven Hospital, both in New Haven, Connecticut. He is author of numerous published articles on senior drivers and led the "Enhancement of Driver Performance Among Older Drivers" study for the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety.